oh how the years go by {avery turns 6}

Dear Avery,

When I think about you turning 6, my heart aches a little.  It's not that I'm not enjoying you at this stage in your life, because you always bring joy to my life, but my heart aches because these years are going by so fast!  I cannot begin to describe these past 6 years and how much I have enjoyed being your mommy.   You, my dear baby, are amazing! Your zest for life is beyond my soul’s comprehension. I am in awe of every accomplishment you have made, every new thing you've learned, and your powerful and gentle spirit.  I often times call you "grandpa" because you always think things through, ask numerous questions (more like 100's of questions), and you always take your time.

Son, you are wise beyond your years.  You have a heart of gold and are one of the most passionate people I know.  You pray for those around you, you worry about those who are ill or hurt, and you always want to make sure everyone is okay.  Your little brain is like a sponge--you love to learn new things and you soak up life to the fullest.  So far, you enjoy school and are eager to learn.  I hope this doesn't change.  You are a brilliant little boy.

As of today, you say you want to be a Coca-Cola truck driver.  You love the Coca-Cola trucks and are always excited to go see them at Chris' work.  I'm sure that whatever you decide to do in life, you will give it your best!  You've always had a tremendous work ethic and for that I am grateful.

I want you to know that mommy is always here for you and will always, always, always love you no matter what!  You make my days brighter and you fill my heart with so much love.  I hope you have an amazing 6th birthday and remember mommy loves you more than there are stars in the sky!

I love you, Avery!

Love,
Mommy

prayers and updates

Avery Update:
 
We've been seeing a neurologist since Avery's "episode" the other month. All of the sleep test went well and he does show mild sleep apnea. During our visits to the neurologist, they have consistently seen concerning patterns in his motor development skills. Basically, he's on a 3 year old level in his fine motor development. They (the neurologist and pediatrician) don't think there is concern for a brain tumor (although they do want to rule this out), but are concerned about a brain malformation (concentrating on the Cerebellum). We had the MRI done 2 weeks ago and only had a few minor hiccups with sedation. Because Avery has apnea, he had to be put under general anesthesia instead of the typical sedated MRI. Thanks to my amazing brother-in-law who works at CHOA and was able to get the anesthesia team to perform the procedure today instead of having to come back. 

The MRI showed no signs of a brain malformation on Avery's MRI. Praise Jesus. This doesn't give us any answers to why he's delayed, but it gives us peace in knowing that his little brain is well. With autism and apraxia of speech, we are often on a path of unknowns, but so are all of our lives. We will just keep going to therapy and working hard to overcome these obstacles and we will continue praising Jesus for Avery and all of the joy he brings. 

 
Prayer Request:

Friends, you all of been so diligent with your prayers for my family and I'm beyond grateful for every prayer. I come to you, once again, to ask for prayers. My dad will be starting a new chemotherapy treatment next week for his hepatitis C. I ask specifically for prayers that the side effects be minimal (as they tend to make him tremendously sick) and I ask that God will protect his body (specifically his liver) while these chemicals run through him. I also ask for prayers that this is the round of chemo that provides him with the cure that we have been desperately praying for. Dad is currently on a liver transplant list and we are praying that by eradicating this disease from his body, his liver may heal on its own, or at least give his new liver a better chance. Thank you all for supporting my family and for praying alongside us.


"God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherds crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life." -Psalm 23 (The Message)

hush that fuss

Since my family and I started going to church on a regular basis, I feel that God is working in our (mine and my husband’s) lives tremendously. I feel so close to my husband at church. God’s amazing love is so powerful and strong, it’s truly indescribable. I know one of the things I pray most about is for God’s strength to work through me to raise God-fearing children. I want my family to thirst for the love of God and beg for his mercies.

With all of that said, I fall short on a daily basis. I'm guilty of "losing my cool" with my kids at times. What mother hasn't? That guilty and nauseating feeling when you know you just yelled at your own flesh and blood because you are tired, because they spilt milk on the floor, or even dripped pee on the toilet is sometimes too much to bear. This subject has weighed heavy on my heart as I have found myself more and more stressed out trying to work full-time, have a side business, and go to school. Who wouldn’t be in the nut house already? The point is my number one job is to be a Godly wife and mother to my family. I want my house to beam with the glory of God and I want my children to feel safe and secure at all times. I want to not only teach my children how to love in a Godly way, but I want them to see it daily through the love my husband and I give to them.

Today, I want to take the pledge to not yell. I want to take the leap of faith that God will provide me the wisdom, strength, and patience to always see my kids as just that, kids. No more crying over spilled milk, literally. This is not to say that I’m throwing discipline out the front door, because children need boundaries and they must learn to follow rules, but I want to discipline my children in a way that will teach them in a productive way and I want my children to know forgiveness, because God knows I’ve had to ask for it daily. Between proper discipline (instead of yelling) and the understanding of forgiveness, my prayer is for my children to want to work harder to be Christ-like.

I once saw a quote that said, “Families that pray together, stays together.”

Lord I pray, oh how I pray, that my sweet family always turns to you, our Lord and Savior, for guidance and also to learn to lean on each other for love, guidance, and wisdom. I pray that your merciful hands cover my family always and that we open our eyes to you always and forever. In your name, amen!


If you struggle with the stress of being a mom, on top of all the stress of "life" in general, take a moment to read these post:

http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

http://theorangerhino.com/12-steps-to-stop-yelling-at-your-kid/

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/22/the-important-thing-about-yelling/

clean thoughts

Some sing in the shower, some quickly jump in and get out, some dance, but for me, I meditate.

It's my prayer time--- my deep, life changing, thinking time.

Jesus and I have a lot of heart-to-hearts while I'm in the shower. I figure if I'm cleaning my body on the outside, I might as well clean my heart as well.

Sometime I cry out to Jesus while I'm shaving my legs. Crying in the shower makes it easier to hide the tears. Sometimes I praise Jesus for the blessing flowing in my life. Praising Jesus in the shower is refreshing, especially when I get those 15 minutes of quiet time. Sometimes I talk to Jesus about my shortcomings as I wash away the germs of my daily life. And it all rejuvenates my soul.

This morning, while I was meditating in the shower, my thoughts went to being a mommy. Of course, as any mother would know, if you get those 15 minutes to shave your legs, washing your hair, and bathe yourself uninterrupted, you're lucky. There aren't many days I get in the shower without hearing "mommy!" Sometimes it annoys me. I just want 15 stinkin' minutes to myself. But today, this particular morning, it made me happy. It put my life in reality.

That sweet voice calling "mommy" was my precious gift from God. To him, I'm the best at everything. I'm the one who heals all boo-boos, makes the juice in his sippy cups sweater, the one he calls in the middle of the night when he wakes up. I am this sweet child's mommy. {Chills!}

I don't know why this particular morning felt different. Maybe it's because I've been stressed and didn't stop to relish in this amazing opportunity to be called "mommy." Maybe it's because I hear it so much and it generally means he's gotten into something  he shouldn't have, or he's requesting juice two seconds after I sit down to relax, or it's disturbing my 15 minutes to shower. But today, I really heard "mommy" for the first time in a long while. And you know what? It felt amazing!

Please don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I'm one of those moms who watches them sleep and thinks about how lucky I am, but I'm human too. I want "me" time. I want a break from "chores" every now and then, I get tired of cleaning spoiled milk out of lost sippy cups, sometimes hearing "mommy" 100 times a day can get overwhelming, but this is my life, and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

I love my shower time, I love my time with Jesus, I love my time cleansing my soul, and this morning I loved hearing "mommy" from the sweetest 4 year old I know!

hate

Friday, December 14, 2012 was a day that many of us mothers got up and prepared our children for a day of school. By eleven o’clock that same morning, it was a day that we as parents were aching to reach our children and hug them tightly. Our souls were rocking at the core, our hearts were broken, and our minds were spinning trying to comprehend this horrific tragedy in Connecticut.

I was reading an article tonight, A Day for Hatred by Jen Wilkin, which spoke to my heart. The author mentioned the one question that seems to linger on, would we all hate the sin, or would we hate God? I’ve seen so many post and articles these last few days with people asking how God could allow this to happen. My hearts breaks even harder to know that there are people who think God did this. We live in a “free world,” as I saw someone call it today- a free world of sin and hate.

As a mother, my heart melts into pieces just trying to imagine the pain these parents and families are going through. Lives absolutely shattered for reasons we may never know and our feeling of security for our children has vanished. But the one answer I do know is God didn’t do this to us. A world of hate did. A world of sin did. Our society is so divided and everyone is fighting to get to the top, we forget to stop and take a reality check. We forget how to live a simple life and treat others with love. We forget that we are all of God’s children, and instead run over each other like wild beast. I’m as guilty as they come and it’s time for a change.

The tragedy on Friday, December 14, 2012, wasn’t an act of God, but I know God was there giving wisdom to those teachers as they protected those sweet innocent soles and I know God was there to provide strength to all those affected. I, like Jen Wilkin, choose to hate sin, not God. Tonight, as I reflect once again on this heart wrenching tragedy, I fall to my knees and pray that God’s love and warmth can give these precious families comfort to sustain them until they meet with their precious angles again one day. I pray that our society won’t turn their backs on God, but instead know that this tragedy came from this evil world. I pray that we as a country can simplify our lives from this sinful world that constantly puts evil temptations in our way. I pray for hope and healing. Have mercy on our shattered souls dear Lord, I pray!

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

what it is to be a mother

I hope all of you mama’s out there had a fantastic Mother's Day. This past Mother's Day, I woke up with a different attitude than I had had in the past. I didn't wake up thinking, "oh it's just another day." I truly absorbed my day with my family and most importantly my kids. It took me a long time to fully grasp what it means to be a mama. No one has the right to be a mother. Being a mother is a gift, a privilege, and an honor.

A Gift 

When I found out I was going to be a mom, I was terrified. How could God possibly think I could raise a baby? Geez, I could barely pay my own bills and I only had $72.43 to my name. However, as soon as I listened to that precious heart beat going lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub I knew this sweet child was a gift. God gave me Avery to make me a better person, to bring joy into my life, and to bring light into my world when the days seemed oh so dark.

Two and a half years later, God brought me Trevor, a thriving 6 (now almost 8) year old who has brought even more joy to my life. To watch my boys grow and bond together warms my heart like nothing else possible. Never did I imagine this life and never did I think this would be my life, but God knew. God planned this all just for me and I wouldn't trade a single second of it.

A Privilege 

It saddens my heart to think about the precious woman out there who yearn for a baby and who have lost their babies. I didn't fully understand what a privilege it really was to be a mom until I lost a baby myself. Eight sweet weeks in my womb was not near enough time for me and my sweet angel. It was that day that I realized how privileged I was to have carried Avery for 9 months and to have him here and thriving. Yes, there are so many days I get frustrated and want to have a pity party because of the tantrums, the messes, and the disobedience, but at the end of the day, as long and stressful as it can be, I thank God for the privilege to be a mother.

An Honor 

I am reminded often that our children aren't really our children. They are God's children and God allows us to raise them and he entrust us to mold these sweet babies into Godly children. It's an honor to be a mother. It's an honor that God chose me to mold and shape two, sweet, boys into men of character and dignity. It's an honor to have been given this amazing gift of motherhood and it's a privilege to be not just a mother, but Trevor and Avery's mom; two little boys who God handpicked for my life.

 I love you boys very much and I thank you both for the joy you bring to me every day!

perspective {life is like a quilt}

I was reading a blog today written by a mother, Natalie, who has endured one of life's most wrenched heartbreaks, the loss of a child. As I was reading her beautiful testimony of overcoming tragedy with triumph through the word of God, I came across one of the most beautiful analogies of how we can look at life.

Natalie was sitting with her friend and the friend told the following story:

             My dad once said that this life is like a quilt.When a child sits on the floor watching their
             mother stitch  a quilt, all they can see from their view on the ground is random strings,
             knots and various threads. It looks messy and purposeless. But when the child sits on
             their mother's lap and views the quilt from the mothers perspective, above it has a
             beautiful pattern. Every color, every stitch, every string has a place and is so pretty when
             woven together.
             Just like us here on earth, all we see are the strings and knots, but in heaven when we see
             from God's perspective, then we will see the pattern of His will and understand His purpose.
             Until then we have to trust the one weaving our lives and rest assured in the end, the Lord is
             making something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.

Amazing, huh?

Do you ever feel like you come across certain messages at just the right time? It's amazing how God can make sure you hear the words your heart so desperately desires at the very moment you need confirmation that everything will be OK. I've had an emotional week and have been struggling with a lot of personal issues in my own life. I've been searching for so many answers. Answers I'll probably never be able to find. Even though I  want this time in my life to make perfect sense, reading this today gave me the understanding that I don't really need those answers. My plan for life isn't God's plan. All the things I have mapped out in my little head aren't all going to play out the way I think they should. Those plans are going to change, challenges are going to come, and the little map in my head will be thrown out the window. I'm OK with this, sometimes. I do struggle with not knowing all the answers. I want the path to be perfect and I want the easiest path. That's a lot to ask for though.

I'm starting to realize there is a lot of beauty through pain. If everything always went our way, we would never know true joy. The suffering of life is what I believe defines our character. Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." So true!

The challenges in my life have made me who I am today. I feel I'm a better person for overcoming the obstacles life has thrown to me. I can't change the past and I can't predict the future, but I can take life one day at a time and learn to be a better person than I was yesterday. 


Right now, I don't understand the "quilt" pattern. All of the "strings and knots" of life don't seem to all add up, but one day it will. One day it will and I long for that day.

To read more about Natalie's story visit: http://mymaddiegrace.blogspot.com

help support EB

What is EB?

Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB) is a rare genetic skin disease that causes the skin to be so fragile that the slightest friction can cause severe blistering—inside and outside the body. Today there is no cure. Severe forms of EB cause patients to live with constant pain and scarring. The worst forms of EB lead to eventual disfigurement, disability and often early death.There are many patients who are diagnosed with milder forms, which, while they can be extremely difficult to live with, are non-disfiguring and non-lethal.

The only treatment for EB is daily wound care and bandaging. The daily routine is a grueling, multi-faceted daily regimen. Caregivers, often parents or family members of EB children, must work in tandem with medical professionals to determine and administer different treatment methods to care for EB wounds. 

With skin as fragile as a butterfly wing, EB patients are dubbed “Butterfly Children”. On the outside physical wounds prevent them from normal daily activities enjoyed by other children. On the inside, their dreams are the same as any child who loves, plays, learns and grows despite the pain and impediment caused by their disease. With the programs and services of Debra of America, EB’s Butterfly Children and their families find the support they so desperately need. Debra of America works to ensure that a life of struggle is also a life of hope for the 1 out of every 50,000 live births in the United States affected by EB.

Source

For the third straight year there is an auction going on in honor of Jonah Williams, a precious EB child, to help raise money for DEBRA, an organization that supports EB patients and families AND provides research funds in search of a cure for EB.

The 2012 auction begins Friday (2/24) at 8pm EST and runs through Monday (2/27) at 9pm EST.

Source

Please visit http://jonahsebauction.blogspot.com/ to learn more.  

To learn more about Jonah, visit http://patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/

devotions {time with the Lord}

Last night was rough. I was exhausted from work, going to school, and staying up late studying. I wanted to come home and relax. However, Avery had other plans. We had screaming, spilling food intentionally, peeing on the floor on purpose, and, well, you get the picture. I felt overwhelmed. After two hours of trying to control Avery, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I didn't know whether to cry or scream.

I went outside and had a moment. Having a special needs child can lead to all sorts of emotions. Some days I feel as if I'm properly handling the situation, other days I feel like I'm walking a strange and unclear road. The answers are never clear and I question the appropriate route so many times. I pray out to God often to show me the correct path and yesterday I felt as if I was kneeling to him begging for mercy. I know mothers often feel this way. Special needs or not. Mothers carry a lot of weight on their shoulders especially when it comes to doing what's best for their children. Sometimes the weight seems to push us to our lowest.

As I was reading through my blog list this morning, I came across another mother who has had her own struggles and her struggle to find time "quiet" time with the Lord. With a busy schedule, it seems quiet time is hard to find. Jess, over at the Macs, brought to light to incorporating quiet time in the everyday hustle and bustle of life as a mother.

In my moment last night, I came to realize that I've become so dependent on myself to figure out every right and wrong turn to make when it comes to being a mother and I've turned away from allowing God's guidance to help me through the tough days. Jess' post reminded me that I DO need that quiet time with the Lord. I need to rely on my Savior to help me.

I googled "mother's daily devotions" and came across a daily devotional that sparked my interest. The book is called "Daily Wisdom for Mothers Devotional Journal." It's a devotional just for mothers. who are overwhelmed and seeking the Lords guidance. I read the first few devotions and thought this was a good starting place for me.

I can't wait for the book to arrive. I feel this struggle in my life is a gift rather than a burden. I know God is wanting to teach me more about myself through all these days of motherhood. As I've stated before, some days it is so easy to ask God, "Why me, why my child with special needs?" However, I can hear the Lord telling me that I'm not exempt from worldly pain, but to allow him to carry this cross for me. I don't have to bear it alone. There are so many lessons in life I've already learned through this experience and I know there is so much more to learn.

Jesus+Heaven {all with the innocence of a child}

If you follow me on Facebook, then it's likely you saw my post about Avery's classmate going to be with Jesus. The sweet little girl drowned in her bathtub a few weeks ago. I didn’t know how to handle the issue, so I left it alone until Avery asked. Sure as the world he asked where his friend was the next day. Being one of faith, Avery had heard the term Heaven before because we’ve gone to my grandparents graves and he’s asked where they were and so on. I told him Heaven was in the sky, far away. Anyway, for an instant, I didn’t know what I was going to tell him. I went with the truth and told him Heaven. He then asked, “Mama, she play in Heaven?” I told him, “yes, she plays in Heaven.”

He was OK with that answer, for a couple of days.Then he asked where his friends was again. I said Heaven and hoped that it would satisfy his curiosity for a little while this time too. Nope. He ask, “Can I go and play with Alexis in Heaven.” Oh Crap, what do I say? How do I explain this one? I tried to explain that he could way, way, way down the road, but Mama wanted him to stay here and play. In a 3 year olds mind, that was sufficient enough for that day.

Over this past weekend more questions rolled in. "Why is Alexis in Heaven?" "Where's her mama at?" "Where is Jesus?" "Why is Alexis with Jesus?" "Can I play with Alexis?" "Can mama take me to Heaven to see Alexis?" My mind was boggled. I honestly didn't know how to begin to answer these questions. So I just went one-by-one down the list and gave it my best shot. I addressed that Heaven was far away. Jesus lives everywhere, even inside our heart. I told him that Jesus wasn't ready for us to come play with him yet and he would let us know when it was our turn. Alexis' parents were at home because Jesus hadn't invited them over to play in Heaven yet. And the toughest question I answered was, "Why is Alexis with Jesus?" As tough as it was, I went with the honest answer. I told him she died. He understands that died means not able to move. Much to my surprise, he accepted that answer as well as all the others. He repeated everything back to me, which he does a lot anyway. He likes for me to know he understands or visa-versea. 

He kept telling me Jesus was in his heart as he rubbed his chest. He even told Jesus "hello" while rubbing over his little heart. I'm sure there will be more questions and I'm sure I will panic as I try to figure out a truthful answer that is appropriate for a 3 year old, but I feel fortunate enough that my child cares about others. I'm happy that he feels confident in me to provide these answers to him, even if he's only 3. I pray that he always has this trust in me and that he will always ask me questions, even if the answers are hard for his mama to explain.

God Appears in Mysterious Ways

Have you ever just felt down? You don't know which way to turn and nothing seems to be right. I struggle with this often. Lately, I've been struggling on how to be the best mother to my Avery. A lot of days I feel like I'm falling short because my patience have run out at the end of the day, I'm tired because he didn't sleep the night before, or many days include multiple tantrums. I beg God to give me more patience.

I received an e-mail this morning that I'd like to share with you all, especially mothers of special needs children. I feel like it came at exactly the right time. God certainly appears in mysterious ways.


Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how these mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth: son: patron saint…give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity”

Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles. “Give her a blind child.”

The angel is curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly.” says God. “Could I give a child with a handicap to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But has she patience?” asks the angel.

“I don’t want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she’ll handle it.”

“But Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.”

God smiles. “No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.”

The angel gasps. “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?”

God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with the child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says ‘Momma’ for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.”

“And what about her patron saint?” asks the angel, pen poised in midair.

God smiles. “A mirror will suffice.”

Erma Bombeck

~ Erma Bombeck published this column on May 11, 1980.

My Guardian Angel

I've been contemplating publishing this post for a few days, but decided it was ok to share this part of my life with you all. So here goes:

I believe it’s impossible to ever forget a great loss in your life. No matter how much you try to tuck away those awful memories, the scars still remain. Often times when I think my wounds have healed; something comes along and opens them. It stings. One of those times is approaching and I wasn’t excepting it to sting this badly.

It was this time last year I found out I was pregnant with my second child. A sweet little surprise from God, but a welcomed gift nonetheless. I was a little apprehensive because of some personal issues, but I was excited to be a mom to another precious angel, no matter the circumstances. I couldn’t wait to go to the doctor and hear the little heartbeat and see the little “bean” on the ultrasound. I was also excited for Avery to become a big brother.

I was waiting to tell my family until I had my first doctor’s appointment on July 13th, 2010. As any mom can probably testify, it doesn’t feel “real” until you go to the doctor and have your pregnancy confirmed. I was no different. I was so ready for that date to come I could hardly stand it.

It was the morning of July 12th, 2010 that my life changed. I woke up that morning and felt fine. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary besides being the normal preggo tired. I got in the shower and noticed some blood. I wasn't too alarmed at first because it’s not completely uncommon for a woman to spot during pregnancy. I cried out to God and prayed and prayed for it to quit. Still not trying to get too upset, I got ready for work, got Avery ready, and headed out the door. The bleeding seemed to subside and I just kept telling myself it was normal spotting. When I got to work, things changed. I’ll spare you the details, but I knew something wasn’t right. I began to cramp really bad. By this time my OB’s office was open and I called right away. The nurse told me to go straight to the ER. I was hysterical at this point. I called my family and told them to get to the hospital. My co-worker offered to drive me to the hospital, but I knew if I didn’t drive myself, I was going to completely lose what little composure I had left.

I checked into the hospital and they began drawing blood, giving me IV’s, asking a million questions, and so forth. My mind was racing and my worst fear was coming true. An ultrasound tech came in and took me back. Having had a baby before, I knew what it should sound like. I knew I’d hear a lot of swooshing sounds and then I should hear a little heartbeat. I never heard a heartbeat. The tech never changed her facial expression, no smile, no frown; just a complete stare at the monitor. I asked her if my baby was alive and she told me she wasn’t allowed to diagnose anything. She then stepped out of the room and the radiologist came in and took a few more pictures.

It was the longest day of my life. Deep down I knew my sweet baby had gone to be with Jesus, but my heart kept praying it was just a rare fluke. The ER doctor came in later and confirmed my fears and told me he believed the pregnancy was atopic. He ordered me to go to my OB for more test. I was released from the hospital and headed to my OB. She did another ultrasound and ran more blood work. She was able to rule out an atopic pregnancy and said the mass on my tube was a cyst. My hCG level was still pretty high so she sent me home to continue the miscarriage process and ordered me back in the next day to check my levels again. Luckily, my levels were significantly lower the next day and no other treatment was necessary.

I still have a hard time with the entire miscarriage process. It feels so insincere. I know that there wasn't anything else that could have been done and the baby was so small that the naked eye couldn't have seen it, but it's hard not to feel like I flushed my child down the toilet. I miss my sweet baby every day. I often wonder what he/she would have looked liked or what name would have been chosen. I think about how Avery would have been the sweetest big brother and how precious it would have been to see these two bond. I find my peace in knowing that my angel baby never knew pain or evil and lives with our Redeemer in Heaven. I know Jesus holds my sweet baby tightly and that gives me a peace like no other. A piece of my heart died on July 12th, 2010 and I will never be the same. No matter how preciously small, the loss of a baby will change you forever. I look forward to the day when I'm able to see my precious angels face and give all the kisses and hugs I've longed to give my baby, but until then, when the wind blows, I know it's my guardian angel passing me by.

If I Could Have A Flower

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi




It saddens me to think that Avery won't remember my Nanny and Pop when they were alive. I wish he could see the smile on their faces when I brought him over to their house, the pure joy in their eyes to see their handsome great-grandson, who they loved so dearly. Much to my dismay, I can't change death to bring them back; however, I can tell my sweet child everything about his Nanny and Pop. I can tell him how much they loved him, how much they loved their family, and how much they loved each other. I can show him precious pictures of them holding him as a baby, I can show him videos of them smiling and talking to him, I can take him to their grave and let him talk to them. No, he doesn't understand yet, but he will one day and he will know everything I can possibly tell him about his precious Nanny and Pop, whom we miss so dearly.

The Heart of a Champion

Chris Landreau, a firefighter from Georgia, had the Heart of a Champion. On February 4th his life changed when he received the news he had stage 4 cancer. He took the challenge to beat cancer with an attitude like no other. Cancer wasn't going to rule his life and he fought the battle with courage and integrity. I was saddened by the news today that Chris passed away. He had a stroke last night and tragically lost his life at age 26 leaving a wife and two young daughters behind. My heart is breaking for this entire family and community. Chris truly touched the lives of thousands, including mine.

I've included a song that was written for Chris. Please take the time to listen to it.

Two Kisses for Maddy

I finally finished Two Kisses for Maddy: A memoir of Loss and Love. After following the author's, Matt Logelin, blog for quite some time now, I couldn't wait for the book to hit the bookstore. I've never been one that loved reading, but this book, I honestly couldn't put it down.

I copied the "about" section on the books website to give you a glimpse into the book.


Matt and Liz Logelin were high school sweethearts. After years of long-distance dating, the pair finally settled together in Los Angeles, and they had it all: a perfect marriage, a gorgeous new home, and a baby girl on the way. Liz’s pregnancy was rocky, but they welcomed Madeline, beautiful and healthy, into the world on March 24, 2008.

Just twenty-seven hours later, Liz suffered a pulmonary embolism and died instantly, without ever holding the daughter whose arrival she had so eagerly awaited. Though confronted with devastating grief and the responsibilities of a new and single father, Matt did not surrender to devastation; he chose to keep moving forward– to make a life for Maddy.

In this memoir, Matt shares bittersweet and often humorous anecdotes of his courtship and marriage to Liz; of relying on his newborn daughter for the support that she unknowingly provided; and of the extraordinary online community of strangers who have become his friends. In honoring Liz’s legacy, heartache has become solace.

(Click the picture of the book, it will take you to Amazon.com, where you can buy your very own copy of Two Kisses for Maddy.)

Happy Mother's Day

Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother. -Lin Yutang

The Hole in My Sidewalk

With all the shenanigans life throws our way, it’s almost impossible not to throw ourselves a big ole' fancy pity party, right? I certainly have had my fair share of opportunities to sulk in my self misery. I mean come on, I flunked out of college, got pregnant out-of-wedlock, got divorced. Shouldn’t I, out of anyone, have a reason to moan and groan about how bad life stinks? It certainly would seem that way, but in reality, what makes my trials worthy of such mercy? In living our lives, we are ultimately the pilot to our own destiny. Sure things can go wrong that we have no control over, but in the end our response to situations determine which paths we end up on.

In the recent passing of my granddaddy, I had the opportunity to spend time with lots of family that I rarely see. One in particular being my cousin Charlie, who is a social worker. Quite an interesting cousin I have there, that Charlie. Nonetheless, Charlie and I stayed up the night after my granddaddy’s funeral reminiscing. We were talking about the family secrets that no one is supposed to really know about and how crazy it is that so many people bury secrets within themselves. As my cousin and I continued our conversation, I thought about my life. I could have pretended I was perfect and never tell the truth of my chaotic life. But who would that have benefited? First off, secrets can tear you down mentally and physically. Secondly, my hardships are part of who I am. Lastly, I have a story to tell. A story of misfortunes, faith, and courage. If my story can help just one person better themselves, then it’s a story worth telling.

Cousin Charlie showed me a story called There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk. It’s an autobiography that only has five short chapters. It sums up how we tend to blame others for our mishaps and then as we grow, we figure out who at the end of the day is accountable.

Chapter One
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost .... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.


So my question and challenge for you today is: What chapter are you on and what chapter would you like to reach?

Bring the Rain

It's not news that my family has and is going through really tough times right now. Somebody came up to me the other day and asked me, "Cristin, how are you still smiling and moving forward?" My answer, "faith." It really is that simple, my friends. I've talked about it before in previous blogs. I will admit, I'm the epitome of optimistic. I can't see the worst in people, I can't see the worst in situations, I can't see the worst in life. I will tell you though, it get's me in trouble at times. Being too optimistic gives others a chance to take advantage of you, but that's beside the point. The point I'm trying to make is that no matter the storm, I'm not giving anything or anyone the power to take away my faith. It's my lifeline.

As I was thinking about what I would write on my blog today, a song came to my mind. I often find songs to relate to how I'm feeling and this particular song just reached my heart. I'm sure you've all heard it, but if you haven't, take a minute to listen to the words. It's powerful!

Bring the Rain
by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty