Never Alone

Never Alone
by Rodney Belcher

I feel you in the morning
When at first I awake
Your thought is with me
With each decision I make

You'd been around forever
Since the first breath I took
Now I have to go on alone
But for love, I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever

Although you've left
And now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love

Enjoy now your long waited reward
Feel peace that your love continues on
What was taught to me, will be taught to mine
Cause you live on in me even after you've gone


Thank You

Happy Friday everybody!

I wanted to take this time to thank you all for the prayers I have received over the past days. Whether I know you personally or through the "blogging world" prayers are prayers and God hears them!

We are grieving for our loss, but my family is still strong and we have so much that Nanny and Pop taught us that keeps us going.

Nanny's service was wonderful. She would have been proud. She now rest in peace. She is well and with the love of her life, my Pop.

We said this morning that if there is a line to the gates of Heaven, she's with a heck of a group...Ed McMan, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. She is probably having a ball up there right now!

On another note, now that things may not be so hectic, I look forward to catching up on all of your blogs. I feel so out of the loop from not reading them in over a week! So I am very excited about that!

Again, many thanks to all of the thoughts and prayers to my family and myself.


My Nanny

Nanny passed away about 4:00pm today.

They say that it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you; it's what you leave behind you when you go. The greatest thing my Nanny and Pop could leave behind is a legacy of unconditional love. I have never seen a greater love than what my Nanny and Pop gave each other. Their love is so strong that they couldn’t live without each other. I know they are standing at the gates of Heaven together and rejoicing. Rejoicing because they are together again, rejoicing because they are no longer suffering, and rejoicing because they can look down on their family and be proud that they raised a family full of unconditional love! I love you Nanny and I miss you so much already, but I’m so glad you are well and in the arms of Pop forever and ever now. I know how much you have missed him, because I miss him too! My heart has a big hole in it that will never be full again, but my heart has so much love to give because of the love they both gave me and for that I will forever be grateful!
I love you Nanny, give Pop a big hug and kiss for me!!!!

Weekend Report

Nanny was in a lot of pain this weekend. We finally got the pain medicine figured out and go her comfortable. From coming off dialysis, she has a great bit of swelling from fluid buildup and the pain medicine keeps her pretty much asleep. I called this morning on my way to work and my dad said she was gasping for air. We were told this type of death would feel like she was slowly drowning. It breaks my heart to even imagine what that must feel like-gasping for air.
I do not want Nanny to leave us, but when you see your loved one suffering you know that their pain will end when they go to Heaven. I just pray that God comes to take her home. Take her home to see her Mama and Daddy, take her home to see Pop-who she’s missed so much, take her to see her friends and family that have gone before her, and God I pray you take her home to rejoice because she is no longer suffering, and I know she will rejoice to be in your arms in the Kingdom of Heaven forever and ever!


When Will the Rain Stop?

With the grieving process just beginning for my Pop, we have now learned we will be grieving my grandmother (Nanny) too. Nanny is a severe diabetic, has congestive heart failure, gastroparesis, as well as many other complications. Nanny has been on dialysis for about 6 years now and her quality of life has deteriorated.

When Pop died in March, Nanny told him “I’ll see you soon”, but never did I think it would be this soon. The past few weeks Nanny has gotten weaker and weaker. She see’s people and things that aren’t there and complains that she’s tired. One night I was helping her get into bed and I asked her what she meant by tired. She told me she was tired of suffering and that she was ready to go see Pop.

It gives me peace to know that she’s ok with dying. Although she has stated that she was scared, she knows she has fought a long hard battle, starting with a tough childhood, to breast cancer, to kidney failure, and now she’s ready to rest and live in the Kingdom of Heaven with God and the love of her life, Pop.

She will be coming home from the hospital tomorrow (Wednesday, June 17, 2009) and last night was her last treatment of dialysis.

We as a family will be there to make sure she is as comfortable as possible and to let her know she is not alone in this.

Please keep her in your prayers and please prayer that God gives our family the strength to handle losing another very important and special person.

Pop, Nanny is coming HOME to see you. Now y'all will never be apart again!


Avery's Birth Story

I briefly talked about it on my very first blog, with Avery’s birthday quickly approaching, I thought I’d share that day with you all.

After learning I was having a “huge” baby, I had an amniocenteses to check the maturity of Avery’s lungs. The doctor was concerned that if I went too much farther along that delivery could be dangerous if Avery dropped down in the birth canal. I had the amnio done on a Friday and by 3:00pm I was called by my doctor and told to come to the hospital to be induced that night. YIPEEEE…right? I had been dilated 1 cm for about 2 weeks at this point I was thinking things were great.

I got to the hospital and got everything situated in my room. The doctor came in and inserted the Cervidil Friday night. Saturday morning came and guess what…I WAS STILL 1 CM. Ugh, what woman wants to hear that. They proceeded with the induction by starting me on Pitocin (Pit). Halfway through Saturday, I was barley 2 cm. So I’m thinking, “great”, I’m going to be in labor the rest of my life.

Around 9 pm, the doctor came in and told me the baby wasn’t handling the higher dosage of Pit and that since I wasn’t making any progress that a c-section had to be done. I remember looking at her and asking “tonight?”. “Right now,” she replied. “MMM-ok,” I said. My mom put on her “coach” scrubs and they prepped me and rolled me down to the OR. My dad and sister went to wait in the lobby by the nursery window to wait on Avery.

There I am in the OR buck naked from the waist down in this freezing cold room. I remember telling the anesthesiologist to fix my hair because I couldn’t see my baby for the first time with my bangs in my eyes, he politely did so. :-) At this point he was pushing numbing medicine into me, everyone was getting instruments ready, and pinching my belly to see if I could feel anything (which hurts like crazy until you are completely numb).

My mom came in right before surgery was to begin; I anxiously kept asking where my baby was. At 10:43 pm my angel was born to this world. I kept listening for a cry or squeal, but it never came. I figured it was no big deal and they were just cleaning him up, but much to my surprise they were trying to get him to breath.
Avery was born with Transient Tachypnea of a newborn (TTN). Some newborns' breathing during the first hours of life is more rapid and labored than normal because of a lung condition called transient tachypnea of the newborn (TTN). About 1% of all newborns develop TTN, which usually eases after a few days with treatment. Babies born with TTN need special monitoring and treatment while in the hospital, but afterwards most make a full recovery, with no lasting effect on growth and development.Before birth, a fetus' lungs are filled with fluid. While inside the mother, a fetus does not use the lungs to breathe — all oxygen comes from the blood vessels of the placenta.

As the due date nears, the baby's lungs begin to clear the fluid in response to hormonal changes. Some fluid may also be squeezed out during the birth, as a baby passes through the birth canal. After the birth, as a newborn takes those first breaths, the lungs fill with air and more fluid is pushed out of the lungs. Any remaining fluid is then coughed out or gradually absorbed into the body through the bloodstream and lymphatic system.

In infants with TTN, however, extra fluid in the lungs remains or the fluid is cleared too slowly. So it is more difficult for the baby to inhale oxygen properly, and the baby breathes faster and harder to get enough oxygen into the lungs. (http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/lungs/ttn.html).

This is the reason I didn’t hear my baby cry. Once they got him “stable” they put him in front of me and I saw him for about 10 seconds and then he went to the NICU. I wasn’t really understanding anything at this point, I’m not really sure I knew he was having difficulties.

My surgery was completed and I was taken back to my room. At this point I had comprehended the fact that Avery was in the NICU, but I didn’t understand why.
Although Avery’s condition was very treatable and not life threatening, no mother in this world wants her baby to ever be in the NICU. I didn’t get to see or hold my baby until 12:30pm the NEXT DAY. It was awful. The worst part was seeing my sweet baby with needles stuck in him and every monitor possible hooked to him. It broke my heart to hear him cry and I couldn't even pick him up. Oh-my heart broke!!!!

Although the NICU was hard on me, I was very blessed with a 8lb 9oz healthy baby (besides the TNN). I remember seeing all the other babies in the NICU and couldn’t even imagine what it was like to have a child that may not make it. I coudln't imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby I believe this is why I am so drawn reading all these blogs about children with medical issues. My heart just breaks for these babies and their families. I read so many that end in tragedy, but I read so many that are uplifting and amazing testaments to the power of prayer. I commend every single mother, father, and child who has ever had to step foot into the NICU, you have a very special place in my heart!!!

I am currently a nursing student in hopes with work either in labor and delivery or the NICU. I know that it will be a very stressful job with a lot of heartbreak, but I also know that I will witness more miracles working with these babies that my job will be joy. I want to help these babies and their families, just like those who helped me.

Tonight I leave you with this newborn prayer:

Lord Let Me Walk With You
Lord let me walk with You
Although my steps are small
Stay beside, hold my hand
And never let me fall.