Last night was rough. I was exhausted from work, going to school, and staying up late studying. I wanted to come home and relax. However, Avery had other plans. We had screaming, spilling food intentionally, peeing on the floor on purpose, and, well, you get the picture. I felt overwhelmed. After two hours of trying to control Avery, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I didn't know whether to cry or scream.
I went outside and had a moment. Having a special needs child can lead to all sorts of emotions. Some days I feel as if I'm properly handling the situation, other days I feel like I'm walking a strange and unclear road. The answers are never clear and I question the appropriate route so many times. I pray out to God often to show me the correct path and yesterday I felt as if I was kneeling to him begging for mercy. I know mothers often feel this way. Special needs or not. Mothers carry a lot of weight on their shoulders especially when it comes to doing what's best for their children. Sometimes the weight seems to push us to our lowest.
As I was reading through my blog list this morning, I came across another mother who has had her own struggles and her struggle to find time "quiet" time with the Lord. With a busy schedule, it seems quiet time is hard to find. Jess, over at the Macs, brought to light to incorporating quiet time in the everyday hustle and bustle of life as a mother.
In my moment last night, I came to realize that I've become so dependent on myself to figure out every right and wrong turn to make when it comes to being a mother and I've turned away from allowing God's guidance to help me through the tough days. Jess' post reminded me that I DO need that quiet time with the Lord. I need to rely on my Savior to help me.
I googled "mother's daily devotions" and came across a daily devotional that sparked my interest. The book is called "Daily Wisdom for Mothers Devotional Journal." It's a devotional just for mothers. who are overwhelmed and seeking the Lords guidance. I read the first few devotions and thought this was a good starting place for me.
I can't wait for the book to arrive. I feel this struggle in my life is a gift rather than a burden. I know God is wanting to teach me more about myself through all these days of motherhood. As I've stated before, some days it is so easy to ask God, "Why me, why my child with special needs?" However, I can hear the Lord telling me that I'm not exempt from worldly pain, but to allow him to carry this cross for me. I don't have to bear it alone. There are so many lessons in life I've already learned through this experience and I know there is so much more to learn.