In My Heart

Today I am skipping Not Me Monday! because I have something weighing on my heart.

I have mentioned guilt before in a previous post, but today I want to touch on this subject again.

Am I the only one who feels guilty for things that are completely out of my control? It’s strange to carry such a burden in my heart on something I didn’t do wrong, but feel so guilty about. My guilt is over the issue of a mother losing a child. I have read so many stories over the last few years of family’s losing their babies to terrible disease, miscarriages, infertility issues, and the list goes on and on.

I don’t know God’s complete plan of why I got pregnant. I don’t know why I was chosen out of all the mothers in the world to carry my precious Avery and have an uneventful pregnancy. But I was. I was given this path by God and I feel guilty.

I feel guilty because when I found out I was pregnant, I was disappointed. I wasn’t married, I wasn’t in love with the father, and in no way, shape, or form was I prepared for this new journey. I admit I often prayed God would “take care” of it, so I wouldn’t be faced with this.

Now, I wish I hadn’t thought those thoughts. How selfish of me to be so disappointed in such a miracle. How selfish of me to not be overjoyed by such a gift. A gift so many would give everything to have. A gift so many will never experience.

I look at my precious Avery now and I thank God every.single.day for this miracle. I try my hardest to not take one day for granted with Avery. He’s not my child, he’s God’s child and God makes no mistakes.

Although I try, I still feel guilty for my thoughts when I found out I was pregnant. I don’t know if they will ever go away, but I ask for forgiveness for them. I ask God to bless every mother and all those women who so desperately want to be mothers.