living by faith

Living by Faith is sometimes easier said than done, or so I've found in my own life.  During the last few months, I've had to cling to Faith more than anything.  We all experience seasons in our lives that bring us to our knees.  I recently realized that I had not been turning straight to my Savior when life came slapping me in the face, I was turning to worry and fear--flight or fight mode.
 
Losing your job can make you feel worthless and incompetent.  I worried for weeks wondering how in the world my family was going to survive this time in our lives.  Then, a few weeks later, we had to make the decision to put our precious fur baby, Molly, down.  Talk about kicking someone when they are down--I was lost!  Our home seemed lonely without our Molly girl and our hearts absolutely broken. Trying to explain death to children is tough. Actually, trying to understand death at any age is difficult.

I took Avery to see a counselor the day after Molly died.  He kept asking why we couldn't dig her up from her grave.  He asked if he got sick, would he die too?  I had a hard time answering his questions because in reality, I was asking myself the same ones.  Sitting with Avery as this sweet and God sent lady talked to us, my heart was truly opened and my Faith changed.  Avery talked about how Molly still lived because she's with Jesus, and Jesus lives in his heart.  He talked about Heaven and how amazing it was.  He talked with such confidence in his Faith. I sat in amazement. If only we all had a child-like Faith.

From that day on, I have turned to Jesus more than ever.  My Faith has grown so much in these passing weeks. God has shown me that he's in control and he has our back.  He's given me peace, taught me patience, and provided for my family.  I don't know what this season means, or where it's going to lead me and my family, but I know that my Faith is in Him, and I know that He doesn't close doors, he opens them if you just have Faith!

Hebrews 11:1

 

happy birthday, nanny

Today, my sweet Nanny (Mom's Mom) would have turned 80.  

 I miss her so much.  I miss how she mispronounced words like "Taco" by saying "Tarco" or by saying "Wal-Marts" instead of "Wal-Mart."  

I miss her home cooking that scented the house and filled you so full you couldn't move.

 I miss making homemade biscuits with her and eating all the dough.  

I miss our "boogy" (dance) sessions in the kitchen.  

I miss holding her soft hands and the scent of her night cream on her face.

I miss watching our "stories" together.  

I miss her hugs and I miss her kisses.  

And today, I'm missing celebrating her special day with her!  

Happy Birthday, Nanny.  

I love and miss you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.  

Until I see you again...

Pop {I'm missing you}

I'm missing my Pop (mom's dad) so much today.  My heart breaks and tears stream down my face.  Today would have been his 83rd birthday. We would have celebrated with all of the family, had birthday cake, and made great memories.

It's been over 4 years since Pop left us and soared to Heaven, and my heart still breaks as if it was yesterday.

Pop, I miss your big, manly, hands that comforted every fear.  I miss your laugh, and gentle smile.  I miss your voice and the way you smelled.  I miss our family gatherings, and the love that we all shared.  I miss when life didn't seem this hard because you always knew what to say. I miss everything about you, every second of the day. 

I hope I've made you proud.  Avery talks about you a lot. I remind him he's named after you and how much you loved him. We look through pictures, we smile, laugh, and cry.  We pass by your house and wish you were there so we could stop by.

Pop, I miss you so much and wish that I could have just one more minute, one more day!

Happy birthday, Pop, from your Doodlebugs! 

longing to meet

I long for the day I get to meet my little bean that left me too soon.  Today marks 3 years since my sweet 8 week old unborn baby gained angel wings.  I found this poem and thought it represented my emotions today well.

A Letter To My Unborn Child

So quickly you came into our lives,

So quickly torn away.
Never got the chance to meet you,
There's so much I want to say.
Where there once was joy and happiness,
Is now sadness, guilt, and pain.
All these thoughts running through my head,
It's enough to drive me insane.
Though you lived only eight short weeks,
You were loved so very much.
I wish that I could hold you,
I long to feel your touch.
On that *morning of July 12th,
My world was ripped from under my feet.
I pray that in another life,
We get the chance to meet.

*Changed to reflect today

Source: A Letter To My Unborn Child, Miscarriage Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-letter-to-my-unborn-child#ixzz2Yq4v6hsi
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

hate

Friday, December 14, 2012 was a day that many of us mothers got up and prepared our children for a day of school. By eleven o’clock that same morning, it was a day that we as parents were aching to reach our children and hug them tightly. Our souls were rocking at the core, our hearts were broken, and our minds were spinning trying to comprehend this horrific tragedy in Connecticut.

I was reading an article tonight, A Day for Hatred by Jen Wilkin, which spoke to my heart. The author mentioned the one question that seems to linger on, would we all hate the sin, or would we hate God? I’ve seen so many post and articles these last few days with people asking how God could allow this to happen. My hearts breaks even harder to know that there are people who think God did this. We live in a “free world,” as I saw someone call it today- a free world of sin and hate.

As a mother, my heart melts into pieces just trying to imagine the pain these parents and families are going through. Lives absolutely shattered for reasons we may never know and our feeling of security for our children has vanished. But the one answer I do know is God didn’t do this to us. A world of hate did. A world of sin did. Our society is so divided and everyone is fighting to get to the top, we forget to stop and take a reality check. We forget how to live a simple life and treat others with love. We forget that we are all of God’s children, and instead run over each other like wild beast. I’m as guilty as they come and it’s time for a change.

The tragedy on Friday, December 14, 2012, wasn’t an act of God, but I know God was there giving wisdom to those teachers as they protected those sweet innocent soles and I know God was there to provide strength to all those affected. I, like Jen Wilkin, choose to hate sin, not God. Tonight, as I reflect once again on this heart wrenching tragedy, I fall to my knees and pray that God’s love and warmth can give these precious families comfort to sustain them until they meet with their precious angles again one day. I pray that our society won’t turn their backs on God, but instead know that this tragedy came from this evil world. I pray that we as a country can simplify our lives from this sinful world that constantly puts evil temptations in our way. I pray for hope and healing. Have mercy on our shattered souls dear Lord, I pray!

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

1 in 4 {I am a 1}

 

It's October 15th, which is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness day. It's a day where those of us who have lost a precious baby wish we weren't apart of this group. It's a day for everyone to remember that we are a statistic. We are the 1 in 4 that would lose a child. 

Losing a baby never get's easier and the pain never goes away. No matter how small the baby was, the loss is bigger than anyone who has never gone through this can ever, ever, ever imagine. The impact losing a child has on your heart changes you forever.

Today, instead of mourning my loss, I want to hold onto the promises of God.I hold onto the promise that Heaven holds my angel baby. My baby is not alone. My loved ones who have gone before me watch my angel and the comfort I feel knowing that I get to go to Heaven one day, makes this day a little more bearable.

For any of you who have experienced this loss, or who have found themselves a "one," a friend of mine started Remember the One. It's a social media site where you can share your story of being a "one." Please check it out!

God Bless you all today and everyday!

little things {and big goodbyes}

When the house I grew up in sold a few weeks ago, we all should have been elated. In this economy, anything that sells should be celebrated. That's not the case here.

Truthfully, I feel as though I'm being selfish, and in some ways I most likely am, for getting caught up in losing what I called "home." In the grand scheme of things I'm lucky to have had a home. However, my sadness doesn't come from the drywall and wood that made this house; it comes from the memories made within those walls and the beautiful land that made it "home."

I rode many hours on the golf cart, 4-wheeler, go-cart, and even scooter on this land. I raised my cows, mowed many acres of grass, and pulled many weeds at the family nursery. This house held many birthday parties, graduation parties, Christmas', Thanksgivings, Easters, and even a wedding.. The last Christmas we had as a "whole" family was at this house. I miss my grandparents coming in the door just to come visit. I miss having my entire family around the dinner table. Although I can't bring back my loved ones, this house held the memories of the ways things used to be. The laughs, tears, giggles, late night talks, and early mornings held within our time on Rays Church Road are something I have always cherished, and will continue to cherish forever.

This move was the end of something beautiful. My parents are getting divorced and "home" will never be "home" again. The dynamics of my family will never be the same and my heart hurts. In all this pain I truly believe there is beauty. I know the phrase "beauty through pain" is becoming somewhat of a cliché, but I firmly believe it can happen. I'm marrying the love of my life next month, I have two beautiful boys, and my own home to make memories with my little family. The growth I've seen from my loved ones during these difficult days (and years) is amazing. God has held my family tightly and I know without a doubt HE got us through these dark days.

milestones

As mothers, I think it is programmed into us to remember milestones. There are some days I'll never forget though. Like the day Avery was born, his first birthday, his first day of school, and many more. As mothers we think of milestones as happy occasions, not ones filled with pain. Unfortunately, not all milestones bring smiles to a mommy's face.

Today is one of those days for me. Today marks the two year angelversary of losing Avery's little brother/sister. I ache on this day every year in the same way I ached two years ago. My heart is heavy on July 12th. There is a piece of me missing.

I remember laying in the hospital waiting to hear a little heartbeat and see a little face appear on the screen. I remember praying for a miracle. That day, two years ago, was filled with so much pain, but today I can see I got my miracle, just not in the way I prayed for. I have a guardian angel that watches me daily and I have a sweet, sweet face in Heaven that's going to greet me one day. Although I would do anything to have my sweet pea back, I know my baby is OK. No pain ever felt, no stress of life, no weight of the world on her shoulders, just pure joy in Heaven. And today, I'm OK with that because I know I have eternity with my little angel. If my sweet bundle of joy couldn't be here with me than I embrace the comfort of knowing Jesus is holding my baby and celebrating this milestone in Heaven today.

perspective {life is like a quilt}

I was reading a blog today written by a mother, Natalie, who has endured one of life's most wrenched heartbreaks, the loss of a child. As I was reading her beautiful testimony of overcoming tragedy with triumph through the word of God, I came across one of the most beautiful analogies of how we can look at life.

Natalie was sitting with her friend and the friend told the following story:

             My dad once said that this life is like a quilt.When a child sits on the floor watching their
             mother stitch  a quilt, all they can see from their view on the ground is random strings,
             knots and various threads. It looks messy and purposeless. But when the child sits on
             their mother's lap and views the quilt from the mothers perspective, above it has a
             beautiful pattern. Every color, every stitch, every string has a place and is so pretty when
             woven together.
             Just like us here on earth, all we see are the strings and knots, but in heaven when we see
             from God's perspective, then we will see the pattern of His will and understand His purpose.
             Until then we have to trust the one weaving our lives and rest assured in the end, the Lord is
             making something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.

Amazing, huh?

Do you ever feel like you come across certain messages at just the right time? It's amazing how God can make sure you hear the words your heart so desperately desires at the very moment you need confirmation that everything will be OK. I've had an emotional week and have been struggling with a lot of personal issues in my own life. I've been searching for so many answers. Answers I'll probably never be able to find. Even though I  want this time in my life to make perfect sense, reading this today gave me the understanding that I don't really need those answers. My plan for life isn't God's plan. All the things I have mapped out in my little head aren't all going to play out the way I think they should. Those plans are going to change, challenges are going to come, and the little map in my head will be thrown out the window. I'm OK with this, sometimes. I do struggle with not knowing all the answers. I want the path to be perfect and I want the easiest path. That's a lot to ask for though.

I'm starting to realize there is a lot of beauty through pain. If everything always went our way, we would never know true joy. The suffering of life is what I believe defines our character. Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." So true!

The challenges in my life have made me who I am today. I feel I'm a better person for overcoming the obstacles life has thrown to me. I can't change the past and I can't predict the future, but I can take life one day at a time and learn to be a better person than I was yesterday. 


Right now, I don't understand the "quilt" pattern. All of the "strings and knots" of life don't seem to all add up, but one day it will. One day it will and I long for that day.

To read more about Natalie's story visit: http://mymaddiegrace.blogspot.com

Jesus+Heaven {all with the innocence of a child}

If you follow me on Facebook, then it's likely you saw my post about Avery's classmate going to be with Jesus. The sweet little girl drowned in her bathtub a few weeks ago. I didn’t know how to handle the issue, so I left it alone until Avery asked. Sure as the world he asked where his friend was the next day. Being one of faith, Avery had heard the term Heaven before because we’ve gone to my grandparents graves and he’s asked where they were and so on. I told him Heaven was in the sky, far away. Anyway, for an instant, I didn’t know what I was going to tell him. I went with the truth and told him Heaven. He then asked, “Mama, she play in Heaven?” I told him, “yes, she plays in Heaven.”

He was OK with that answer, for a couple of days.Then he asked where his friends was again. I said Heaven and hoped that it would satisfy his curiosity for a little while this time too. Nope. He ask, “Can I go and play with Alexis in Heaven.” Oh Crap, what do I say? How do I explain this one? I tried to explain that he could way, way, way down the road, but Mama wanted him to stay here and play. In a 3 year olds mind, that was sufficient enough for that day.

Over this past weekend more questions rolled in. "Why is Alexis in Heaven?" "Where's her mama at?" "Where is Jesus?" "Why is Alexis with Jesus?" "Can I play with Alexis?" "Can mama take me to Heaven to see Alexis?" My mind was boggled. I honestly didn't know how to begin to answer these questions. So I just went one-by-one down the list and gave it my best shot. I addressed that Heaven was far away. Jesus lives everywhere, even inside our heart. I told him that Jesus wasn't ready for us to come play with him yet and he would let us know when it was our turn. Alexis' parents were at home because Jesus hadn't invited them over to play in Heaven yet. And the toughest question I answered was, "Why is Alexis with Jesus?" As tough as it was, I went with the honest answer. I told him she died. He understands that died means not able to move. Much to my surprise, he accepted that answer as well as all the others. He repeated everything back to me, which he does a lot anyway. He likes for me to know he understands or visa-versea. 

He kept telling me Jesus was in his heart as he rubbed his chest. He even told Jesus "hello" while rubbing over his little heart. I'm sure there will be more questions and I'm sure I will panic as I try to figure out a truthful answer that is appropriate for a 3 year old, but I feel fortunate enough that my child cares about others. I'm happy that he feels confident in me to provide these answers to him, even if he's only 3. I pray that he always has this trust in me and that he will always ask me questions, even if the answers are hard for his mama to explain.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, I had a miscarriage.
A year ago today, my life changed forever.
A year ago today, I realized, once again, how precious life really is.
A year ago today, I gained a guardian angel.
Today, I hug my loved ones harder.
Today, I tell them I love them more often.
Today, I live without regrets.
Today, I hold to the promises of God even tighter.
All because, a year ago today.